MOONPRAYER FOR ENDOMETRIOSIS
Emma H. 18/05/2017
What having chronic pain feels like
My head aches. And my womb. I’m in a dark place. I’m afraid of the pain I know is coming. I wish there was someone who’d take my hand and lead me through it. I wish I could completely give myself over to it… but at the same time give control over to the other person. Someone older, more experienced. Someone who knows, who understands.
I would still take all the physical pain. That burden I would carry. But I’d hand everything else over to them. I wouldn’t have to be afraid. I wouldn’t have to try and be strong, be brave, just take it, live a ‘normal’ life. I wouldn’t have to get out of bed and go get a glass of water. Even the simplest tasks hurt, they’re exhausting.
I wouldn’t have to explain, describe, look for rational and calm explanations of what is going on with me, so that my loved ones know what I’m going through. They will never be able to. And it takes too much energy. Energy I can’t afford to spare this week. I have nowhere to draw it from.
I wish there was a magical place for women who experience extreme pain, like I do. A place we could go to before the worst week of the month. A place where Nature would grant us strength for what is to come.
I wish someone would greet me there. They would explain that there is a purpose to my pain. I’d wish to know that there is a higher purpose for all the suffering I have to go through. I’d wish to know that Nature devised it this way because… there must be a reason! There’s always something to fight for in magical realms. Maybe, I need to go through such pain in order to keep balance in women’s world. Maybe, I have to suffer so that other women don’t. Maybe I need to have energy drained from me so that there’s another woman who’s granted more of it.
I wish Nature did not force me to repeatedly get this much pain in vain. Only to test how much I can take. Only to see how long I can go on if it stabs three knives into my abdomen and tells me: “Go on with your life as if nothing had happened.” Only to wait and see how long before I break into tears. How long before I feel the need to pour scorching hot water over my belly to numb the terrible pain inside. How long before I start thinking that it would be better if there was no world around me at all. How long before I’m so exhausted that I will fall asleep even with the three knives stuck inside me… How long before I can pick myself up again after a week of agony. How fast I can shake it off and stop being afraid to move. To live again.
I wish there was a higher purpose to these terrible tricks Nature has in store for me.
I wish there was a magical place for women like me. I wish there was someone older and more experienced waiting there. They would take my hand and lead me somewhere where I would be able to handle the pain. They would give me strength. They would explain that all this is not in vain.
Meet my endometriosis and adenomyosis. This, too, is what living with the disease can be like.
My last period (the first after my surgery) was the worst endo has had in store for me so far. The pain I was in was ten times stronger than usual, and it lasted ten days. I had no physical strength left. I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It has given me a huge scar. This time I was very afraid before my period. I experienced anxiety, depression, numbing fear. I felt hopeless and helpless.
I’ve known for a few years now that strong emotions need to be let flow through you. I need to let them fill every cell of my body and give myself over to them, be it emotional pain or fear. I do it in a safe place, where I can let the process happen. I always end up crying hard. I’ve come to know that the tears help flush the emotions away, and I can come back to my life, calm and stable.
This time my pre-period week was packed with emotions, and I knew this process needed to happen in order to get well again. I decided to accompany this cleansing ritual with some free writing, resulting in my Moonprayer. I’ve always liked medieval fantasy. Its magical worlds have the power to calm me down and fill me with new energy.
I decided to share all this for several reasons. The most important one being that I’m hoping it will help one of you when you are feeling down. Maybe it will help you imagine your own safe magical place where you can leave the big burden behind. Maybe you will start journaling. Or you’ll find another creative outlet that will help you deal with your illness.
I wanted to share all this to show others how women with endometriosis can sometimes feel. How physical exhaustion meets emotional one. We are emotional, and that’s not only alright, but necessary.
May you have enough strength when you need it the most!
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